1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
