I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
one might say we're banned from that church
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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