Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
