Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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