I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
