the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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