Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
