dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
