its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
