I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
