i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
