I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
