Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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