Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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