had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
