I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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