i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
