Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
