I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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