yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
