I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
