What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
