Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''