Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED