Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
