My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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