Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
