i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
