I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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