Dude my mom stole all your condoms
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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