i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
