3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
