Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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