Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
