living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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