theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
