This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
