It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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