Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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