You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
