i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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