woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
