maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
