Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
