Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
