I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
