Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
