The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
