My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
