Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
