using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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