you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
