I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
