tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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