It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Randomize
