your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
