where am i from again
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
